Ok, Ok, I’ve been asked to answer my own question. I think, like many others, that one answer is always, ‘nothing’ because then we would not be where we are now. I think, if I could have the opportunity to come back to where I am, I would like to go back and change these things just to see what might have been:
First, I’d not have done some of the things I did when times were difficult. Some of those choices meant I hurt people. Some of those choices made long lasting, negative imprints on me. I’d like to see what I might be now, where, and what I might be doing, if I had not taken those roads.
I would have done things differently. Maybe I’d now be the writer, or archaeologist I wanted to be. Maybe I’d not have the guilt I have over the people I hurt, the regret over lost opportunities. Maybe I’d not be afraid of failure, maybe I’d not be the closed book I am. Maybe I’d be a better person, a braver, more trusting soul. So many things. Picking one thing, one point is hard. Perhaps if I could go back, I would change how I responded to the troubles we had. Yes, I’d change that. Perhaps I could have then been a light not only to myself but to others.
As it is, like everyone else, there are things I have now, maybe even certain understandings of other people, things I’ve learnt, things I am, that I wouldn’t have if I changed the past. Maybe if I knew I wouldn’t have them, even if I knew I’d have the things I originally dreamed of , then maybe like everyone else, I’d not do it.
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How many times have you heard it said?
‘If only I’d known beforehand I’d never have…..’
‘Why couldn’t someone have told me…….?’
‘If only I’d had a crystal ball…..’
A friend of mine said this about her marriage the other day. ‘If I could have looked ahead..’ She’d just watched her husband drive off to meet his new woman, leaving her to pack up and move to a flat somewhere at the cheaper end of town. She was ‘diminished’, ‘washed-up’, ‘rejected’.
When I looked back over what I’d known of their marriage though, I saw three children through the trees of Windsor Great Park, heard her voice breathlessly talking about their latest trip together, her guiltily whispered expressions of amazement at how good the sex was. I saw the sand in her hair, the whipped cream on her lip, their hands holding, the two of them on a blanket by the river. I remembered her voice one time saying, ‘I don’t know what I’d be without him’
It’s like the woman who steps into a meadow. She’s wearing her best floaty dress, the sun is high, the meadow is shining with flowers and promise, her friends are with her. As she takes her third step though, she slips in a cowpat and ….. zing…… down the sloping grass she shoots….. through another cowpat, right over a thistle, into a smal stream with a gravelly bottom…. bump, over a hillock….. through the air and…. down into another cowpat. All the time she’s trying to stop herself, grabbing hold of the grass as she goes, shouting to her friends to help her…. until finally she slams up against a tree and comes to a halt. Soaked to the skin, covered in cowpatty and with an arse as raw as a hard morning in winter, she surveys the ruin of her dress and wails
‘OOOooh. Why did I have to choose this meadow. If only I’d known, I’d have stayed at home’ One of her friends catches up with her and grins. ‘Well,’ she says, ‘We enjoyed the chase, and you must admit it was a hell of a ride…..’
The woman looks up and considers. What might have happened if she’d chosen any of the other meadows? She feels the tingling of her arse beneath her, and looks in her hands where she’s still holding the grass she tried to stop herself with. In fact, she’s got two handfulls of flowers bursting out of them, that she hadn’t even noticed.
Sometimes we look back and wonder what we’ve lost, or what we might have gained if we’d done things differently. Some people seek to cover other people in cowpats to pass the blame on to them. Some try to see the flowers passed from one hand to another. Yeah, sometimes you hit a tree, but its always been a hell of a journey, one taken by no other. You did what you did what you did.
Our Ben didn’t post a blogwalk this week. He’s probably wrestling with the same sort of questions. We are some of his ‘friends’ who are gathered round his tree. If he doesn’t post, and you want to, how about answering this question instead:
If you could change just ONE thing you ever did, or didn’t do, what would it be?
An experiment in normality 
I would not know what I wanted to change or do over or do different in my life, because
their would be many empty spaces which are now filled with love, kindness and affection.
Only one thing is the next time I go into a meadow I will be dressed in overalls and boots
and have a great time thanks to your blog. What a foresight you have. Marvelous.
I am one of those who "try to see the flowers passed from one hand to the other" . So I wouldn\’t want to change anything I did or didn\’t do. I\’m thinking of Ben too, so i\’m out walking the list.
Hey Girl!
Man, I\’ve missed reading you. How are you? I\’m good. Still trudging through the maze that it is adoption, but I\’m good. Feels good to feel good, you know?
What would I undo? Hmmm…I was unfaithful to someone very special to me a long time ago. I would undo that.
Take care, sweet girl. Love you.
Jaime.
Hello, that is an interesting question.. guess we all have those moments in life.. where we think back.. and wonder.. those \’ifs\’ can get pretty huge \’if\’ we let them..( and we do at times )
Ben has been on my mind most of the day.. and I am sure he is thinking about those \’ifs.. 19 years of memories is hard to muddle through. He is on a pretty steep slope right now.. but I believe that he will make it to the top.. its just going to take time..
soft hugs.. ~Hope
Please go to my blog to see the blog walk-just trust me
~jessie~
I think I would have discovered how much interesting life can be a little earlier. L.
Despite how things are at the moment, I know that in the course of changing one moment in time you change the entire fabric of yer life, so wouldn\’t change any of it, but damnif I can\’t wait to see the end of this journey, beautiful wise post you did btw : ) B;labby
I forgot to tell you.. when I was here before.. you expressed the feelings of yesterdays very beautfully.. ~Hope
Hey Gel,
You\’re a sly and wicked one aren\’t ya? You post the question in very elegant terms. However, those terms are not directly related to your Life.
Prithee, kind sir, honor us with the answer that lies within your true heart.
Is there a decision or an action that you would change?
Love ya!
Gayle
Hi Gelert, Been here before but a long time ago. I have so many favorites it\’s hard to get to all of them as often as I\’d like. I hope your friend does not feel that her marriage was a waste or didn\’t work.
When my then-husband asked for a divorce, he used the phrase "it didn\’t work". I told him in no uncertain terms he was NOT allowed to ever say that to anyone! We had been together for 25 years, married for 23, and have two wonderful sons. We had a lot of good years and we were great as a family even after we became not-so-good as a couple. I was not going to let him cover me in cow patties.
Please tell your friend, as I\’m sure you already did that his leaving had NOTHING to do with her! There was nothing she could have done differently. We all make what choices we can in any situation. There is nothing gained in beating ourselves up and living with , "I should have\’s".
The only thing I would have liked to have changed was to become "conscious" a lot earlier in my life, but that\’s not how life works. Everything happens for a reason.
I loved the analogy of the woman in the meadow. Very descriptive and memorable.
Love, Light, and Laughter.
I\’m with Gayle, mate, spill!